Books!

I was flipping through some of my old, old posts and came across this one. It was forwarded to me in an email a few years back, and wanted to share it again. Warning: You might laugh... ;)


Pride and Prejudice
Jane Austen

Mr. Darcy:
Nothing is good enough for me.

Ms. Elizabeth Bennet:
I could never marry that proud man.

(They change their minds.)

THE END.

 
A Christmas Carol
Charles Dickens

Ebenezer Scrooge:
Bah, humbug. You’ll work thirty-eight hours on Christmas Day, keep the heat at five degrees, and like it.

Ghost of Jacob Marley:
Ebenezer Scrooge, three ghosts of Christmas will come and tell you you’re mean.

Three Ghosts of Christmas:
You’re mean.

Ebenezer Scrooge:
At last, I have seen the light. Let’s dance in the streets. Have some money.

THE END.


LORD OF THE RINGS
J.R.R. Tolkien 
 
Gandalf:
Bilbo Baggins, your Ring is evil. In a couple decades, we’ll try to destroy it. In the meantime, leave it for Frodo to play with.

Bilbo Baggins:
It’s not evil. It’s mine. My precious. Mine! Mine, I tell you!
(Frodo takes it to Rivendell. Some friends come with him. They are attacked by Nazgul.)

Elrond:
Frodo Baggins, if Sauron ever gets this Ring, the world will be destroyed, and evil will reign forever. We must act quickly. Take the Ring to where he lives.
(They travel more and Gandalf dies in Moria, but comes back later.)


Boromir:
Frodo Baggins, give me the Ring.

Frodo:
No.

Boromir:
What have I done? (dies)

THE END.


THE TWO TOWERS

(Gandalf frees Theoden and overthrows Saruman. A bunch of irrelevant stuff happens. Then the plot starts up again.)

THE END.


THE RETURN OF THE KING

Aragorn:
We must travel the Paths of the Dead.

Eowyn:
You’ll die.
(They don’t.)

Gandalf:
The Hordes of Mordor will destroy Minis Tirith.
(They don’t.)

Gandalf:
We must attack Mordor. We’ll all be killed.
(They aren’t.)

Gollum:
Mmmm, yummy finger. (dies)

Frodo:
The Ring has been destroyed, but now we will die in Mordor.

Sam:
Buck up, Mr. Frodo.
(A bunch of feathered things come out of nowhere and save everybody.)

THE END.


MOBY DICK
Herman Melville

Ishmael:
Call me Ish.

Captain Ahab:
Crew, we will seek the white whale and kill it, because I am insane.

Crew:
Alas, your destructive obsession will be our undoing.
(They almost find the white whale. Then they almost find the white whale. Then they find it.)

Captain Ahab:
I stab at thee. I stab at thee.
(Everybody dies except Ishmael.)

THE END.



In Christ,
Jessie