brimming with blue.

Listening to: Carrying Your Love With Me by George Strait

Lyric love: Some dreams stay with you forever, 

drag you around and bring you back to where you were. 

Some dreams keep on getting better, 

gotta keep believing if you wanna know for sure. {Even If It Breaks Your Heart by Eli Young Band}

Quote love: "Courage is not a man with a gun in his hand. It's knowing you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do." -Atticus Finch {To Kill a Mockingbird}

Have you ever noticed that time covers things up? It's slow sometimes, but it does; like a rug pulled over a scrape on the new hardwood floor.

This afternoon, my dad and I were waiting in a parking lot facing the highway. An empty lot was laid out across the road, with weeds spiraling up from the ground like miniature fireworks. The sun and wind curled around the occasional cactus, waving the tall grass.

It had never been used, it seemed like. I was staring at it, zoned out in admiration of how an empty lot could still seem nice in that sunny, small town kind of way.

"You know there used to be a restaurant in that lot over there?"

Um, no...

"Yeah, it closed down years ago, when you were little."

It just made me think about how landmarks can die. I mean, I didn't know that there was a building there until someone mentioned it. And after a while, people will stop talking about it, and the kids will never hear about it. And some generations later, a scant few will know about the tiny building that sold fried chicken.

The business went south, the building was demolished. And the grass grew back, cactus prickled and grew, and the cars kept rolling by.

But there's a Dairy Queen next door, so it all evens out.

Oh, yeah. You need to listen to them. ^

I love their music. It has this raw, tragic sentiment that puts one in the mind of wood-framed houses, open windows, old riddles, and summer in the late 1800s. Nostalgia, I suppose. I listened to their music on repeat until my mind was crowded with inspiration. It was weird. I ended up drawing, which finished pretty well.

Gnarled oak trees with swings,
gravel roads,
aged fences,
a winding muddy river
&
sweltering afternoons.

Kindly ignore the grainy-ness...

I looked outside earlier and saw a sunset. There were clouds brimming with blue riding the southern wind, and they moved toward the old sun as if to tuck it in as it slept. I saw it through the window, and I walked calmly ran through the yard to the road.

Because even though it's millions of miles away, knowing you're a little bit closer makes you feel like you've got just a mile to go.

I was taking pictures with my phone but the lighting wasn't right*. So I resorted to snapping pictures of the fence post I was leaning against. I watched it until a cloud covered it momentarily. The rays sent the very last sparks into the eventide, like all the last words one would say in a voicemail if their plane fell from the sky. When the distant oaks growing on the horizon looked like they were on fire, and only a tiny speck of the sun was still here, I walked back home to the company of the bulldog.

 -Jessie Suzanne


*It's a distressing moment when you remember your camera's batteries are dead. Extraordinarily distressing.

the story of the false eyelashes

Listening to: Pressing Flowers by The Civil Wars

My baby puppy sleepin'... :)

Just got home from our second-to-last dress rehearsal. I love putting on performances so much. I'm still going to keep coming to see them after I graduate...which is in less than two weeks. And my birthday is in four days! I'm going to be eighteen! Bwahaha.

Random stuff that's happened:

• I got an obsession with The Civil Wars.
• I face-planted the ground because I wasn't wearing heels. 'Cause I'm just that graceful.
• I curtsied and fell down. I'm playing a queen so I was hoping to be all graceful for once...*cough*
• I saw at least twenty boys wearing makeup for said play.
• I wore false eyelashes for the first time. It was such a memorable experience...I got my eyelid glued open.

*** THE ACCOUNT OF THE FALSE EYELASHES***

Anna and I were sitting in the darkened backstage hallway waiting for our play to start. I hate how everything is so hilarious when you're supposed to be completely silent.

Anna: I have false eyelashes you can use.

Me: Really? Sure. Lets go to the ladies room where there's a mirror.

Anna: *prepares fake eyelashes* Nah, we can do it here. Hold still!

Me: *blink*

Anna: STOP BLINKING!

Me: ....*blink*

Anna: *laughs*

Me: *laughs with a strip of eyelashes adhered just under eyebrow*

Anna: Hold still! *glues eyelid open* Okay, I fixed it!

Me: ANNA!! I CAN'T CLOSE MY EYE.

Anna: They look pretty...

***

I just now peeled them off, and the whole thing looked bizarre. I'm tired now, so I'm gonna go study for the Faith Bible Institute exam that's coming up...very soon...

Jessie Suzanne

things i've learned

Listening to: May It Be by Enya {Lord of the Rings soundtrack}

Quote love: "Cheerfulness and contentment are great beautifiers, and are famous preservers of good looks." -Charles Dickens

Random pictures from my phone:

bwahahaha...

I really, really love this.

chug cinnamon tea and you'll stay awake to study // stop whatever you're doing and listen when you hear thunder // it's fun to dance with no music in an empty rodeo arena // when in class, doodle all over the page // i really love small towns // making jewelry is an epic pastime // turquoise-painted fingernails are always a good idea // watch really old movies whenever you get the chance // it's a really awkward moment when you stop at a green light // leather scented candles are the best // i don't care if i can't go to Narnia, i still want to // buy colored fineliners and use them whenever you get the chance // turn the radio up and belt it out when they're playing your favorite song (it always sounds better on the radio, after all)

it's one o'clock in the morning.

Listening to: Daughter's Lament by The Carolina Chocolate Drops

"Practice as if you are the worst, perform as if you are the best." -Unknown

Isn't it odd how we can tie memories to things? It's like a small shred of your mind wraps the object in a permanent hug, and even if you try, you can't release it. I was packing up books (millions and millions, it seems), and I found a small cardboard box with flowers on it. I opened it and a blue ribbon flung itself out, along with a red ribbon. I picked up the blue one from the floor. I had completely forgotten about those.

Best of Show. 

And the red one.

Second Place.

I remember opening the door and walking slowly across the room, looking at the hundreds of paintings turning the walls into a map of the world. My mom, dressed in her Sunday best, walked up and gave me a hug.


"Congratulations," she whispered.

I had no idea what she meant. I walked further into the room with a ceiling that dripped multiple ceiling fans. I went to Papa and he smiled at me.

"I'm proud of you," he said.

My grandmother came up behind me, smelling of flowers and joy and love and hugs. Just so you know, a grandmother doesn't have to be related to you to be your grandmother. Remember that.

We went to the back of the room. Under a ceiling fan that twirled and spiraled dangerously, a tree-lined lake clung inside a photograph on the wall. And a frilly blue ribbon was wedged on the corner of the wood.

Best of Show.

The Lord let me capture His artwork, and He blessed me by letting me get my first Best of Show. It's not like it was a nationwide exhibit, but for the three days it lasted, everyone knew my name because of Him.


Jessie Suzanne

hello, saturday | a post with a weird picture at the end.

Listening to: Small Town Southern Man by Alan Jackson

Quote love: "Never miss a good chance to shut up." -Will Rogers

Reading: White by Ted Dekker

Today was the kind of day where one grabs a book, a cat, and a cup of coffee and goes outside to sit in the sun. I did that, actually. Papa's not feeling well, so we spent the morning watching old western movies. Later I went to the kitchen and concocted a loaf of banana bread. After that I went to my room, opened the window and drew in a notebook while the breeze and music made my room airborne.

Most of the cattle across the road were irritated about something, and they spent a good while voicing their irritation. So...they were the background music to the afternoon. Today was one of those days where the sky is clear, smeared, and frosty; and the sun was streaming down the trees in that dusty, South Texas kind of way. The air was cool, but the sun was warm. It made me feel bad for being inside, so I found my phone to take pictures and followed the animals around the yard yelling "STAY STILL PLEEEAASE?" Avril emerged from the woods and Daisy kind of lost it. So she was chasing the cat all around the trees.

This bench originally had the Texas flag painted on it, but most of it's been chipped off over the years. I love it even though it's falling apart and not safe to sit on. Heh. It's gonna be my project this summer, I think.

Aside from my dad not feeling well, it was a good day. How's your weekend coming?

-Jessie Suzanne

i heard that your dreams came true.

Listening to: Someone Like You by Adele (new favorite song. I like love her voice...)
Lyric love: Old friend, why are you so shy?
                  Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.
                  I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited,
                  But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
                  I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
                  That for me, it isn't over.

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now;
I heard that your dreams came true.

<3
Jessie Suzanne

anywhere i go, you go, my dear.

Listening to: Ding Dong Merrily On High by Roger Whittaker - I love his voice!!! *diez*

Quote love: "Some things are hard to write about. After something happens to you, you go and write it down, and either you over dramatize it or underplay it, exaggerate the wrong parts or ignore the important ones. At any rate, you never write it quite the way you want to."

i carry your heart with me

(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it

(anywhere i go, you go, my dear)

-ee cummings

See that cat in the first picture? That's Avril. That cat reminds me of dog, I'm not joking. I was walking to the road yesterday evening and I whistled for her. She tore across the entire yard and flopped on the ground a few feet from me. She's not officially mine, mind you, but she spends more time at my house than she does wherever else she lives. She'll disappear for a week or so, then come back for three or four before she leaves again.

Random story: A few weeks ago, when the sun was setting, I was lying in the grass in my front yard while talking on the phone. The air and grass were cold, but the sun was almost level with the horizon, so the light was soft and warm like a blanket. Everything had an overly bright, smeared look, and spiderwebs traced shimmering lines in the sky. I was lying on my side, and I rolled over to see that cat flattened on the ground a few feet away, staring at me with wide gleaming eyes, hiding behind the stem of a clover. Go figure cats...

The weeks before Christmas have been wonderful, though busy. I absolutely love this time of year, with the remembrance of Jesus' birth, and seeing much of my family. I've spent the last few days wrapping and smuggling gifts, with the sound of We Three Kings and Carol of the Bells melting through the walls.

I was finally able to make a trip to the library yesterday, and I most likely drove everyone mad due to my coughing (I love winter, but winter doesn't love me. 'nuff said.) But in any case, I left with a small stack of books which have now taken up residence in my room. I'm exceedingly happy...

How has your week been? Are you going anywhere for Christmas?

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. 

Isaiah 9:6 KJV

In Christ,
Suzanne

the child born in May

Listening to: American Honey by Lady Antebellum

Reading: Annabel Lee by Edgar Allan Poe

I was sitting outside today
and I held the day in my hand,
remembering it.
The afternoon was warm,
but chilly around the edges.
This is the weather I live for. I live for winter.
I love it.

I'll get a book and haul a blanket outside.
I'll sit by a tree and read Edgar Allan Poe
to the frozen sky.
 "A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling my beautiful Annabel Lee."
And it would pull it's gray cardigan
closer,
and sigh some more.

 

And I'll look up and whisper it something.

"Neither the angels in heaven above,

Nor the demons down under the sea,

Can ever dissever my soul from the soul

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee."
 

 

love,
the child born in May

{title of post}

Listening to: Wildfire by Michael Martin Murphy

I’ve been so busy lately, pleeease forgive my temporary abandonment of this ‘ere blog. My mom got a job recently, and I’ve started babysitting.

I'm now a licensed driver in the state of Texas. *evil laughter* I got my license on October 3rd. I’ve never been so nervous in my life. My dad and I were sitting on the bench outside the office, and I felt like I was on death row. The good thing is I got to take the test it in a really small town, so the traffic wasn’t bad. I was really worried about the parallel parking, even though my dad showed me how (and I did it perfectly six consecutive times the day before). Praise the Lord for His guiding me, because I did it PERFECTLY on the test. *shrieks happily* Everything happened so fast. And then suddenly I was getting my picture taken. SO, after that, my dad and I bought ice cream to celebrate. *grins madly*

I started working the next day, which meant getting up at an ungodly hour of the morning. I’m a morning person. Just not at 5:00 o’clock. Heh…

My mom is in training for Sprint, and I won’t be able to see her when her normal schedule starts. I’ll leave for work while she’s still sleeping, and when I get home she’ll have left for work; and when she gets home I’ll be sleeping already. So I’ll be able to see her on Sundays, I believe.

I’ve been working on this post for about a week, adding a few sentences every time I wasn’t busy. I’ll try to post more regularly, peeps. :)

In His love,
Suzanne

the hole in the sky.

Listening to: Come Thou Fount by Stephanie Immordino

Quote love: "I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night." -Galileo Galilei

This life is a lovely place, but it's tiring sometimes. So tonight, clad in an old shirt and worn out jeans, I ran outside and dove on the hood of my dad's pickup truck. It's the best place to be, if one wants to see something vast. Looking at the sky, I feel like everything is like it should be. Tonight was quiet. Quiet enough so I could hear my thoughts. The needles of the pine trees rubbed themselves together, sounding like an innumerable audience applauding the Creator. Silence is loud, you know.

I think we sometimes forget what this world was. This earth is like a canvas that people have painted over. And painted, and painted, and painted. And then after a while, we got used to seeing these unnatural shades of life: roads scribbling across the countryside, and buildings that scrape the clouds off the sky. We forgot the beauty of a world untouched by people.

But then, sometimes, there's a person who has a vague memory of the unstained canvas. Or maybe they saw it by accident, and that made them remember. And they look up at the speckled sky. And they see a place so deep that no amount of paint can conceal it.

The sky is lovely. It's the place where everything looks like it used to be.

God is everywhere, but sometimes this world seems so crowded that it's hard to imagine it. If you look up at the sky though, it's easier to remember. With the blackness bleeding into dark blue. And the moon that looks like a hole in the sky. And the clouds weaving among the stars.

It's empty, and I can imagine that vast space filled with the Lord.

♥

In His love,
Suzanne

golden, cracked, aged.

Listening to: my rambling, chaotic thoughts.

Lyric love: "But there never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do once you find them." -Jim Croce

I looked up at the pecan trees that towered over us. The sunlight filtered through the leaves and printed shadows on the ground. As the wind shifted, the shadows did too, so there was sunshine lace spread on the ground. I'll always love that.

Have you ever felt that a place was a part of your family? My dad and I wandered among the trees, crunching through the yellowed leaves. Beyond the road was a sprawling old field, and around this time last year, we had sat in the middle of it. We had talked of Shakespeare, guitar, and pondered life.

"If these trees could talk, I'm sure they'd have some remarkable stories to tell. They've seen so much in this life."

Riverside Park. Some of my earliest memories are there. Some of the best ones. My dad and I had come into Victoria and decided to go to the park, which was hilariously fun. We weaved a trail through the pecans and leaves, and we found a stick. When one finds a stick of this size, it inspires one to play baseball. We didn't have a baseball with us, so Papa proceeded to throw pecans in the air before slamming them with the stick. This caused much laughter and the smugly repeated phrase, "Watch and learn."

And later I was sitting on the tailgate of my dad's truck, and we were talking of something that happened years ago. I'm watching the leaves fall, tiny and brown and shriveled and golden. Golden.

And I had a thought.

Brown and cracked and aged, they fall from the trees. But if sunlight arrests them in its soft embrace, then they're not brown and cracked and aged anymore. They're glowing warmly with a newfound fire, sifting to the ground to be nestled among ember-like leaves.

The leaves won't be here forever, but they are here, and they're breathtaking as they glide calmly through the air. Fallen, but still so beautiful.

Sunlight does that.

The Lord does that.

He takes the broken and fallen and He makes them whole. He makes them beautiful, so they glow with His love and joy.

Psalms 23:3  

"He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake."

In His love,
Suzanne

involving: fires, smoke, and a splattered sun.

Listening to: Revelation by Third Day

Quote love: "Never say goodbye, because saying goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting." 
-Peter Pan

This is Wesley. Ain't he adorable?!?

The sky is wrapped in smoke today. There's a 25,000 acre fire near Bastrop now, and the smoke is swimming in the sky. Please pray for the safety of the firefighters and the people who are evacuating.

My mom and I went to the Stauss's house earlier, which was very fun and epic. Last time, Wesley stole my camera. That night I found a zillion pictures of his teeth and eyes. o.O

We got to meet two missionaries that were staying with them, which was great! I'm so glad I've finally met them; they're wonderful. *grins hugely*

You know, if you see the sun through an ocean of smoke, it looks like someone threw an orange at the sky. Like someone threw an orange at the sky and it got caught in the smoke, staining the clouds around it. It's very true.

Justin and I went for a walk (which was really fun and hilarious!) and stared at the scenery (I was slightly obsessed with it).

The scenery consisted of hills, gravel roads winding along the countryside, smoke, violent cows, deer, more smoke, and an orange splattered sun. It was so hazy and windy and perfect. It seemed dream-like.

We would have walked to another pasture, though Justin said not to. If I'm not mistaken, the cows had predators where they originated from, and the cows attacked the predators. Or something like that...I might be remembering it wrong. O.O

On another topic, my church is having our annual World Missions Conference this Sunday! I think this is our 23rd conference. It's always such a blessing. We usually cook for the missionary families who come and bring them dinner at the Fellowship Hall, and then we have services. It starts on September 11th and lasts for four days. Praying for the safety of the missionaries and that more people will be brought to Christ. *huge smile*

On yet another topic, I'm on Pinterest! If you're on there, be sure to follow me! I just found it recently, and so far it's pretty fun!

What about you? How has your life been?

In His love,
Suzanne

and it ran down the road yelling.

Listening to: Beauty Will Rise by Steven Curtis Chapman

An unbelievable piece of information: I learned to drive a standard vehicle last year. You know how everyone says, "It's not something you can forget. It'll come back to you."

***THE REALITY OF SUZANNE RODRIGUEZ***

I forgot. And no, it didn't come back to me. In fact, it ran down the road yelling.

My dad is an amazing teacher. Amazing. I honestly can't give him enough credit. Two days ago, I drove my dad's work truck. Had someone stopped on the highway and looked inside the blue pickup, they would have seen a wide-eyed seventeen year old girl gripping the wheel, muttering in French (with the occasional shriek). They also would have seen a relaxed man sitting in the passenger seat with a calm, slightly amused expression on his face, as if he were watching an interesting movie. 

While I tripped, climbed, and walked on the fence between sanity and hysteria, he calmly gave instructions. He's the best, guys. 

In the driveway back at home, I slowly emerged from the truck. My hair was pointing at something in the sky, my makeup-less face was flushed and damp (said truck lacks air conditioning, and the afternoons are still in the hundreds). I had a Dr. Pepper and gummi worms. Comfort food.

That night I was sitting on the hood of the truck talking to Justin on the phone and looking at the stars. They looked like little shards of glass that had been thrown at the sky and tied there. One of them fell, though, and went shooting across the dark speckled ocean.

"Maybe someone cut the string holding it up."

-Justin

The stars are so pretty; have you seen them lately?

In His love,

Suzanne

summer's almost gone...

Listening to: You Are More by Tenth Avenue North

Today was very, very uneventful. My dad and I went to a convenience store, and it wasn't until I was doing sixty on the shimmering highway that I realized I shouldn't be driving (I'm still on medication from said surgery). So I turned off the highway and cruised along a back road. The Texas kind of back road. The kind of road that's lined with barbed wire fences, winds through the fields, and is splattered with potholes. And a crazy number of cattle guards. Oh my goodness, we literally can't forget the cattle guards. If you happen to forget about them, drive over one and you'll be reminded. Cattle should just stay put.

Cattle guards or not, we drove along in hazy sunlight with the windows down and listened to a man on the radio remind us of the heat index (113 Fahrenheit).

It's hot.

A tumbleweed rolled across the road, which added to the effect.

The content of my awesome Sunday:

A really amazing friend of mine, Justin, came home after being in Alaska on a mission trip for six weeks. Praise the Lord for his opportunity to serve Him, and that he's back safely! :)

We took the elective's exam. I'm confident that I did well. That makes me doubtful. It was really easy, so either I did great or I just bombed the whole thing. The last time I was confident I would get an A, I got a B. And the questions I answered were: True, true, true, true, true, true, true, false, true, true, true. GAH!!

I spent the time between services hanging out with two families from church; that was fun and such a blessing! That was a pretty wonderful day. :)

In His love and light,
Suzanne

of wisdom teeth (or the lack thereof) and exams

Listening to: Holy by Nichole Nordeman

I plan on doing absolutely nothing today. Except study for the Elective's exam, which is....tomorrow. That class was epic. Creationism vs. Evolutionism & Uniformitarianism. Epicness.

I've a good reason for my planning on doing absolutely nothing today, and it has to do with my new nickname "Chipmunk Cheeks". The reason for my planning on doing absolutely nothing today: I got all four of my wisdom teeth out yesterday. The whole thing turned out to be very interesting. Apparently I had a conversation with the oral surgeon about Creationism and Uniformitarianism. I don't remember that. At all. Then I got dragged to the car, woke up at Burger King to the words over the speaker "You want fries with that?", and then I passed out/fell asleep on the floor of the ladies room in Walgreens. Ew. I'm pretty glad there was no one else in the room; I doubt someone would have reacted calmly to a teenage girl with a mouthful of gauze sprawled on the floor. 

But then I got a text from my un-biological sister: G'morning, Chipmunk Cheeks!!!!!

I love that girl.

Turns out I forgot that our icepack broke, so I'm been walking around with a bag of frozen blueberries against my face. Muahaha. How have y'all been lately? :)

xoxo,

Suzanne

say it with the accent.

Announcement: I'm working a on vlog, so that should be up in the next few days.

Listening to: Come Thou Fount by Stephanie Immordino

1) Cactus. Texans love us some cactus! *sarcasm*

2) It's heart shaped! See that?! 

3) If you don't say "barbed wire" with a Texas accent, 

then you ain't said it right. 

Bob wahr.

It's so hot here. It's in the 100s, peoples. This evening, I plan to set up a photoshoot of a glass of iced tea. I need new photography material; yesterday evening I was stalking the chickens around the yard. Apparently they're camera shy, because they fled to the woods.

Some friends and I went to see Captain America in the theaters. By the way, it's kind of creepy to see a boy in the previews who looks identical to your cousin. That surprised me...I was eating popcorn and almost choked. Anyways. Most of the movie was very good, but the ending was so weird. Marvel really failed...at least on the last scene.

How has your week been?

And remember: bob wahr.

In His love,
Suzanne

i know you see it, but can you hear it?

Listening to: Expression by Helen Jane Long

Quote love: "Trust me, though, the words were on their way, and when they arrived, Leisel would hold them in her hands like the clouds, and she would wring them out like the rain." -The Book Thief 

A lot of people take reading for granted. Really.

For a year before I learned to read, my four year old self envied the people who could. I felt like I had been shut out of something important. Something silent. Something unimaginably fun. Something that could take me away.

I looked around and saw these pictures. But they weren’t full portraits. They were pictures that had been dismantled and stitched into little symbols we call letters. These writhing, knotted symbols marched across paper, telling stories which I didn't know how to see.

And slowly I learned how to take the pieces of those broken pictures and put them back together again. After a while, I learned to make my own puzzle out of them. 

Words are wonderful.

Don’t you forget it.

Okay?

xoxo,                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Suzanne

did you see?

Listening to: The Promise of a Lifetime 

Lyric love: "I thought if I could touch this place, or feel it, this brokenness inside me might start healing. Out here it's like I'm someone else, and I thought that maybe I could find myself. If I could just walk around, I swear I'll leave. I won't take nothing but a memory from the house that built me." -The House That Built Me by Miranda Lambert

I know you bought my old house, but you really know nothing about it.

Did you see the lines on the doorway, where Mama marked how tall I grew? Did you see the red streaks of crayon in that back bedroom? I did that when I was five.

"Papa, come and spend time with me?"

I know I don't live there anymore, but I wish I could walk through that house once more; just to see the memories that live in the walls, and maybe find the ones I've forgotten. Did you see the hallway that led to another bedroom? On a cloudy day in May, my very exhausted father walked in, dropped a backpack, and laid on the bed with a newborn Suzanne sleeping on his chest. That was seventeen years ago. Fourteen years ago, at two in the morning when a thunderstorm raged in the skies, I ran to sleep in the arms of my mother.

"Mama, may I snuggle with you?"

Did you paint that back bedroom that was mine? Did you finish peeling away that paisley wallpaper? I spent thirteen years pulling tiny strips off my walls, though I never thought it would hurt to see it all gone. Did you see that window, the one with the orange tree in front of it? I found a picture from back when I was eighteen months old. I was leaning on that window sill, looking at my eight year old cousin. She was standing outside, smiling and talking to me; and I put my little hand on the cool glass, laughing and trying to touch her face.

Did you go to the backyard? My puppy is buried under the pear tree. Did you see the tallest tree? Papa built me a swing there. It's gone now, but I wonder if the echos ever really fade away. The echos of my cousin's laughter, whispering on the breeze. If you would climb the tree, you would see that the tree is my favorite.

"J.S.R."

And five years ago, I stood outside that house at ten o'clock at night: the day I could no longer call my house mine. I looked through a window and saw the moonlight streaming through the lace curtains. The empty rooms looked so lonely, and I looked at the doorway that led to the back bedrooms. I looked at the dining room, and remembered the video of my first birthday.


"Happy first birthday, sweet girl."

I looked in the kitchen where Papa held me ten years ago, after I scraped my knee. He let me cry and suggested we go fishing. I looked at the living room, so empty and cold. That's the house where I got saved. Remember when there was classical music softly playing, and everything was familiar? Remember?


"Hi, baby. Are you feeling any better? We're going to the doctor."

Did you see the front porch? I stood there and watched the wind lower a pine tree to the ground. That was the day I sat on my bed and stared out the window, watching a hurricane rage. Did you see the window by the front door? That was the window I stood by when I was ten, watching snow slip from the sky. That was the first time I had ever seen snow.

I could go on forever, and then some. I'd give so much to see that house again, and see the room where I cried until I slept and laughed until I cried. I know if I showed up now, you'd have no idea who I was. But it's okay if there's a piece of paper that says the house isn't mine anymore. That's the house I lived in, and that's the house that built me.

In His love and light,

Suzanne

such love

Listening to: The Hole in the Wall by Adrian Johnston

I am the lover with no one to hold,
I am the seeker with an empty soul,
I am everyone who’s ever lost hope.

And I never saw You coming;
I could never dream of running.
I have never known such love before.
My God, You come and breathe Your breath in me,
Steal away what’s left of me
Till You are mine and I am Yours.

A few hours ago, we came home from a very interesting, fun, and comical afternoon at church. Due to a caffeine-induced lack of sleep last night, I'm still pretty tired. But afternoon sunlight (in it's evanescent, wraith-like glory) is so pretty, in a lively kind of way. 

Fall like stars on my shore,
Still You are so much more.

I've been trying to make a point to thank the Lord. For everything. It's so easy to forget Him when everything is going perfectly. And a few hours ago, in that glimmering sunlight, I noticed some diamonds being flung about the garden. Water, actually, but they looked so much like diamonds in the ethereal light. Isn't that so pretty? I think it's elegant in an unpredictable, pure, carefree kind of way. And after leaning on the garden fence, looking at the sky, with glistening water dropping on my makeup-smeared face, I thought of something. 

What do I know of this love?

xoxo, 

Suzanne

*Never Saw You Coming by Bebo Norman & What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road

of drawing, college courses, and the nearing of summer

Listening to: Swan Song by Franz Schubert

Quote love: "Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather." -John Ruskin

You know what? I have nothing to do. Well, I have things to do (like the dishes), but I have nothing to study for. No deadlines. No speeches or essays to write. No projects. No reason to pull an all-nighter to study. Nothing. Summer break is here. I can't get over how that feels. I got used to the voice in the back of my mind: You need to study more; you need to write that speech; you'll never catch up, you're too far behind; how much time do you have left? have you turned in that paper yet? Now summer's here. Quiet. It's like I was spinning on a swing, jumped off, and now I can't get used to the fact that I'm not spinning anymore. Have you ever felt that way?

I've started doodling, hence the first picture. Supposedly it's a kind of therapy (it is kind of calming), but it's mostly just plain fun.

My church is continuing to have the satellite college course by Faith Bible Institute through the summer. Scientific and Biblical Creationism Elective. *screams* I seriously can't wait for that to start. If I remember correctly, fourteen people (including my family and me) are taking it. *sighs happily* God is so amazing!

What about you? What plans do you have for your summer?

xoxox,

Suzanne